silence

There’s some time when there’s birds,

insects. Weather. Then, flies.

Nothing more. This

is the end. Germs & such,

scum.

 

Although just now a car went past,

I hear nothing but the micropods

cruising the silence, cracks in the

pavement, blades of. Past this,

I can’t go.

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7 thoughts on “silence”

  1. thanks for your comments guys. i understand you Dean. i think. & think you’re right. Removed ‘just’ in s1. But you prefer 1st version?

  2. Agree, replace the ‘just’..I preferred the first version of the poem…and I think the repeating of words in conversational, narrative poems, like many of yours, Peter, isn’t an issue, it’s when the crafting of a different poetic asks a different listening such things may be important?

  3. thanks Peter. was just going to say that i had amended, but forgot to leave out the 1st ‘just’. Should read:
    There’s some time when there’s birds,
    insects. Weather. Then, flies.
    Nothing more. This
    is the end. Germs & such,
    scum.
    Will now edit

  4. This has drawn me to read it many times. I suppose you could change the second ‘just’ to ‘right’, i.e. right now.

    I’m always nervous about making any such suggestions as my own writing is peppered with constant repeats; I’ve given up even trying to weed them out! Some things, some words, I tell myself, just like to make their presence known more than once…

  5. i think you’re right. is this better (the change is in the 1st stanza):

    There’s some time when there’s birds,
    insects. Weather. Then, just flies.
    Nothing more. This
    is the end. Germs & such,
    scum.

    Although just now a car went past,
    I hear nothing but the micropods
    cruising the silence, cracks in the
    pavement, blades of. Past this,
    I can’t go.

    Please let me know what you think. i’m not sure.
    thanks Dean

  6. Hi mark I find with the repeating of the word ‘just’ so close to each, the poem drops some poetic resonance…The last 5 words add a mystery

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